hear it from the heart; it beats

yes. it's like dejavu. voom
now i know the difference between your home and where you live.
i live in pasir ris. but is that truly my home?
i think it's just somewhere i live..
where it's totally empty.
well my parents might not be the ones like tom's parents in I not stupid 2 literally,
but.. it's definately the same situation.

nothing could hold back my tears,
though i feel so dumb crying over a show.
btw, i've never cried over a stupid damn show. ever before.
i saw so much relation it had with my life.
my situation.

i just wish.. my parents would know what im really doing.
how im really trying my best.
but they dont seem to know.
when was the last time i heard my mum encourage me?
there wasnt even a first to start with.
seriously, i cant remember any.
not at all.
how sad is that?
very indeed.
can you imagine?
someone living with you everyday,
just shoot you with reprimands and hurtful words, instead of words that build me up?
i've been thinking.what the hell does she want from me?

i know i didnt do well for psle.225.
but at least i got 2 academic excellence awards in my lower sec days.
however, getting good grades didnt earn me a praise, not even that.
neither did getting into the national team.
and all she did was to boast about me to others, and scold me when no one's around. sorry i left out, she even told me that i should give it up, I WONT MAKE IT FAR.
yes i wont. SO?!
that's the encouragement she gave me.
everytime i tried to use that to spur me on, but have i gone far?
seemingly, no.

fcuk. you know how i feel?
freaking great.
super.
incredibly.
what more saying that she knows that im going to be a failure even before i start anything.
that fcuking hurt when she told me in the car.
she picked me from school today. i appreciate that.
BUT i fcuking hated that ride,
even though it might be, a lesson.
i dont know.
she reprimanded me from the moment i got in,
till the moment i stepped out.
my heart bled, but i held back my tears.
i kept my bloody mouth shut,
and kept my stupid ears wide open.
but i had a question i was dying to ask:
have you finished

how many times must i cry over her?
i should just get used to IT.
but it's getting a routine.
i really dont know what to do.
perhaps. pray.

lydia, im truly sorry.
i was just overwhelmed by this i just forgot it was your birthday.
heh, seemingly dumb but, im serious.
ARGH. sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry. i feel so bad.
shit.SHIT.
SORRY
thanks anyway my dear (x

hais. dont i always get accused for doing the things i do..
like, everything.
it's like.. really, hao xing mei hao bao.

i really wanna pick up smoking.
but i know
1) i'll lose my friends.
2) i'll get killed if my parents find out.
3) it's expensive.
4) it's harmful

but i still wanna try.

ARGH.once again, sorry dear.
really sorry.
crapcrap. argh no.. i totally ruined it.

>.<

so lost..''

i need you...

IM SORRY LYDIA.

i miss isaac somehow..
i knew that if he was around,
he'd be someone i feel comfortable talking to..
just telling him my problems.
yea, he just knows what to say..
i miss you dear cousin. :(

one last thing.
just now when i entered THE HOUSE,
i greeted dad.
and he asked, how are you today?
OHMYGOODNESS. i was taken aback.
really.. it's so not common of anyone in my family asking me that, that i dont even feel anything.
actually.. no one in my family asks me how i am.. except my dad. but that's quite seldom then again.

actually.. who really cares.
it's just me,
just tabitha..
just.
(=

and that's the story of the heart; at 10:29 PM

and the story ends like this; at 10:29 PM

Monday, February 06, 2006

Monday, February 06, 2006